I am writing this one after a very long time. I never felt such suppressed in my life. It felt like, I was stuck in some kind of illusion. I knew It wasn’t real. I knew it was temporary. But I never felt the time to flow in such slow motion, where I could feel every second 100 times. Where I was a friend of my loneliness, the nights, watching the clock, as it passes every hour, every day, keeping everyone on time by sticking himself at one point. I could feel the emotions of that watch, revolving around and around as it was representing my life.
Every morning I woke with hope and every night I slept, trying to keep together the pieces of my shattered belief. I keep reminding myself that I am strong. I can do this. But everything has its limit. I couldn’t hold myself, I couldn’t keep my emotions in control. And when things are out of your control, they find their way out.
You will find thousands of reason to give up and it’s hard to find a single reason to not to and up to when keep reminding myself what can’t kill you makes you stronger. But tell me one thing up to when, when my life will say, you are strong enough now.
“They say to believe in the process. Believe in yourself! and I said I don’t want to live in illusion. Sometimes all you do is give hope to yourself and In the end, you die with that hope.”
I watch myself broken into pieces. I saw falling every emotion, belief, confidence, pride, flowing out in the air, with my breath. I was left with the flesh and bones. Thoughtless! or words that my mind couldn’t understand.
It feels like Hell. and there I read on a newspaper, If you are going through “Hell”, Keep walking. I was getting habitual to it. My own personal Hell.
Whatever I did to make myself feel better was coming back haunting. and slowly I left everything I do, for being happy or whatever. I started flowing in this time. and saying my mantra, “Worst Is Yet To Come”. It doesn’t mean that your life is going to worsen even more. If you are facing bad time, keep your shit together, make your mind stronger because next bad thing that will hit you will be worse than previous one, and if not, then you will be capable to handle it. Life is never going to be as smooth as a mirror. No matter what your status of life is, Life has its ups and downs.
“And if you do survive the ‘downs’, only then you will realize the importance of ‘ups’ that life will offer. Sooner or later If it comes.”
But I won’t give myself false hope, that life is going to be good because It’s not. It’s up to you whether you give up on everything and live with it or fight for your pride. To prove yourself not others. To make your own legendary story.
“Because If you are living then live for yourself.”
I will fight!
I will lose!
I will fall!
I will stand again!
I will prove to myself!
But Never Again I am going to live an illusion that everything will be right again. Another wise being habitual to Hell, my mind will make my hell, the heaven for me with no choice left.
So Never Again I am going to wait for the right time because such a thing will never happen.