In the last week, on the Thursday morning. When my roommate, pangi (that’s what we call him.) woke me up at 9 am.
“We already missed a class, wake up!” He said.
I was sweating, the first words came out from my mouth “Fuck! It was just a dream”. I felt relieved.
I did forget the dream as soon as I wake. My heart was pounding so hard. I could feel the fear inside me. I didn’t have much time to think about it. I was getting late to my class. I ran toward the washroom.
It was my geology class. I kinda like this class. Not because I have interest in rocks, but I do have interest in visiting those places, my teacher usually talks about.
Suddenly I. got glimpses of the dream I had in the morning. It’s so hard to remember the dream. I was tired, afraid and was running continuously. “Why I was running?” I asked myself. “What are you thinking?” A friend asked.
Nothing important. I replied.
I was going back to the hostel for lunch. I got another glimpse. I was running from someone. I try hard to remember why?
It reminds me of that person. He had nothing in hands, then why I was running from him. I couldn’t remind of his face. What I could remember was the shape of his body and all black.
Well, I am kind of busy person. So I don’t get much time. I left the topic. I will think about it later. But I couldn’t the resist the thought, that I was afraid.
I saw my phone, clock was ticking; 3 AM. “In 2 hours I will see the first sunshine, I was thinking. I believe that dreams are the way that your subconscious mind try to convey you the message.
I was thinking about it, but failed. I felt helpless. I went to the washroom, clear my eyes with water. And there I saw that person, It was him. I could recognise him. But it doesn’t make any sense.
Why I was running from him.
“Why I was afraid of you?” I asked myself in the mirror.
I didn’t get any answer. I went back to my room. I hadn’t kept the light on. Actually I felt better in darkness. It wasn’t making any sense. Then I remember my last conversation with my sister on the phone.
“I am kind of busy” I said to her.
“No! You keep yourself busy, cause you are running from something.”She replied.
“Maybe!” I said.
She was right. I keep myself busy. I am running from myself. Deep down in my heart, I am insecure. I hate to feel as victimized. I hate this feeling so much that I do leave the people, work, place, anything that make me feel helpless, weak. I am afraid that the dark monster inside me isn’t in my control. I hate to being controlled by someone else completely.
Have you ever seen an insect trapped in a web. No matter how much he tries. He can’t escape. And more he tries, he gives the hint to spider that someone is trapped.
Maybe my mind was telling me that you don’t have to be afraid, that you don’t have to run anymore. When everything in my life seems to be settled. I get afraid. The whole environment felt like a fake. Like nature is faking. And quietly she is planning something big for me. I have to be ready for the next move. I am always ready for the new game.
I am like that insect trapped in the web of mind and my thoughts resemble the spider. The more I fight, the more they came. But a very long time ago I did find a way to deal with them. I let them flow in my words. Something inside me is always burning. I can’t make the fire to stop. At least what I can do is channelize the energy and don’t let anyone else hurt it.
This is my Escape.